Warning Signals of Abusive Behavior

Do you, or someone you know, show a combination of these warning signals? If so, NOW is the time to get help learning to control anger, express it constructively, and learn alternative ways to solve problems. Beware of choosing a partner with these characteristics - that person would be likely to abuse you.

Did they grow up in a violent family?

People who grow up in families where they have been abused as children, or where one parent beats the other, are more likely to abuse their partners children. They have grown up learning that violence is normal. Those who came from violent homes may say that they will never behave that way, but they may resort to violence when faced with the problems and stress of partnership and parenting.

Do they tend to use force or violence to solve problems?

Someone who has a criminal record for violence, who gets into fights, or who likes to act tough, is likely to act the same way with their partner and children. Do they...

• ...have a quick temper?
• ...overreact to little problems and frustrations, such as not finding a parking space or having a bad seat at the movies?
• ...become destructive when angry?
• ...punch the walls or throw things when upset?
• ...tend to be cruel towards animals? (Cruelty to animals is a common behavior of people who are also cruel and abusive to partners or children.)

Do they abuse alcohol or other drugs?

There is a strong link between violence and problems with drugs or alcohol. Be alert to any possible drinking or drug problem, especially if the person refuses to admit there is a problem or refuses to get help. Do not think that you can change them!

Do they think poorly of themselves?

Does this person guard a weak side by trying to act tough?

For men (female partners): Does he have strong traditional ideas about what a man should be and what a woman should be?

Does he think women should stay at home, take care of him, and follow his wishes and orders? Does he act like women are second class citizens?

Are they jealous of you - not just of people you might be attracted to - but even of your friends?

Do they "keep tabs" on you? Do they want you at home or with them all the time, even when it is inconvenient for you?

Does this person seem extremely emotionally dependent on you?

Do they threaten to hurt themselves if you leave the relationship?

Do they play with guns, knives, or other lethal instruments?

Do they talk of using weapons or violence against people, or threaten to use violence to "get even"?

Do they expect you to follow orders or advice?

Do they become angry if you do not fulfill their wishes, if you question orders or advice, or if you cannot anticipate what they want?

Do they go through extreme highs and lows, as though they are two different people?

Are they extremely kind at one time, and extremely cruel at another time?

When they get angry, do you fear them?

Do you find that not making this person angry has become a major part of your life? Do you do what they want you to do, rather than what you want to do?

Does this person treat you roughly?

Hit you? Do they force you to do things you do not want to do? Abuse during dating is a guarantee of later abuse, and more violent abuse. Do not think that marriage or commitment will change them for the better, it will almost certainly make things worse. If they do abuse you, you should seek help NOW. You deserve to be safe.

Do you feel threatened by them?

Are you afraid to break up because they might hurt you? Have you changed your life so you won't make the person angry? If so, you are abused and should seek advice and help now!

Back to: sexual assault pages

This page last revised Thu Jul 13 21:35:18 EDT 2000 by leaf

I didn't write this, but I did modify it a little to make the language more inclusive.